


The Shirelings, a slightly expected Journey

by Weirdwolfteaser



Series: The Shirelings series. [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, An Unexpected Journey- now with added Hobbits!!!, Bilbo is So Done, Bilbo is in a gang, Do I need to tag swearing?, Dwarves are suckers for kids, F/M, Fìli is cute, I Do, I'll add more if I need, Is that what you say?, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Kìli is totes adorbs., M/M, Middle Earth is just made of gangs, Murder, No one ring, Oh wait, SO, Slow Build, Smaug's still there, Swearing, Thorin Is Not Amused, Thorin is legit a really majestic guy, Thorin is paranoid, Thorin runs a gang!, Thorin's A+ Parenting, Violence, boys loving boys, boys loving girls, but not like 'proper' gangsters, every relationship is slow, girls loving boys, hobbits all have invisibility rings, is 'the Shirelings' a bad name?, it so is., not all are bad, some violence, sure, that's about it, they're all massive softies, umm, whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weirdwolfteaser/pseuds/Weirdwolfteaser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggins has enough on his plate. He does NOT, I repeat not, need one of the Wizards showing up. He most certainly does not need The Company, and he does not need Thorin- oh. Oh my. Well, maybe he does need Thorin Oakensheild. Yes. Perhaps with a few less clothes? Ohh yes... </p><p>The one in which Bilbo belongs to a gang, and said gang goes tearing off across Middle Earth with The infamous Company, The Wizard and a grumpy cat. Trust me, the cat's important. (Not Beta'd)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A quite surprising beginning.

Bilbo Baggins was a perfectly normal Hobbit. In fact, the only thing that wasn't normal about him was his taking over of the Family. He didn't _really_ want to yet, but with his mother and father both dead, and no brothers, sisters or suitable relatives... It had to be him. Not to say, of course, that being a part of the Family was a bad thing! Oh no, _everyone_ was in the Family. 

This didn't mean that it couldn't be... Pleasant sometimes. Also, having grown up with that sort of thing had to help. He supposed that if that were the case (which it was) _anyone_ would be used to it. It didn't actually take much running, if he was honest. Threatening someone here, paying an official there, killing this person, killing that person... You know, this and that. Not that he did the killing himself, mind you! Of course not. He was Bilbo Baggins! That would just be plain unprofessional. 

The only difficulty that he might have had was never going to be a problem. Not now, or ever if he had anything to say about it. Rival _'organisations'_. Such a distasteful thought. He had his Shirelings. It was now the only Hobbit gang in existence. When his parents married, they were the heads of the two Hobbit gangs, the Bagginses and the Tooks. With Bilbo being both, he'd brought them together. As well as this, Hobbits, as in everything, worked together. 

The Men had more gangs that a Bilbo had had meals in his life, although the closest one to them was the Green Dragons. There were countless groups of Orcs, although no one took much notice of them. There was one, very elusive group, known only as the Wizards, which, if rumours were to be believed, contained only five members, but they were never actually together, always travelling alone, and helping other gangs. There were also various Elf and Dwarrow gangs, although the most well known were The Company, The Rivendell Collective and The Mirkwood Collective. Personally, Bilbo thought that the Elves' names were rather unoriginal, and they sounded much more like _bands_ than fearsome mobs. 

However, the Green Dragons ignored the Shirelings' very existence, and the Shirelings rarely ever had to leave their borders, preferring to trade, or lure others into their territory, on familiar ground to fight. This meant that they'd never really needed to deal with the other higher ups, although the Wizards dropped in now and again, and it had absolutely no reason to change. 

So, one morning, when Bilbo and some of his most trusted associates were interrupted in a meeting by one of the Wizards himself, he knew that normal was going to fly out of the window, wearing nothing but a sombrero and his mother's underwear. 

"You _need_ to expand your reach, my dear boy!" The Wizard crowed in seemingly unending good cheer. "The Shirelings are doing well as a single gang, and I _do_ respect that - it's marvellous, in fact, but if you don't make some sort of move soon, other interested parties _might_ want to take over and expand for themselves." He explained, sipping at Bilbo's tea and making himself at home. 

"But why?" Spluttered an incensed Lobelia Sackville-Baggins as she tried to liberate Bilbo's tea cup. "We keep ourelves to ourselves! We are _careful_! We do our business and we do it well!" She screeched, and Bilbo had to lay a restraining hand on her arm. "No one besides you Wizards and the Green Dragons know that we exist, much less that we have a gang!" She continued, prompting Bilbo to put a hand over her mouth. 

"Gandalf. With all due respect, and as much as I trust you and your judgement, Lobelia's right. We're fine as we are. Always have been, always will be. No one bothers us, and like she said, they don't even know we exist-" He cut himself off at the old man's raised eyebrow. "What - ahem - What have you _done_ , Gandalf?" He asked quietly, hand straying towards his knife. Beside him, Hamfast, Drogo, Rory, Prim, Esmerelda and Lobelia tensed.

Gandalf frowned at them. "Now now, no need for that! No need at all! You needn't fret, my dear Hobbits, I simply let slip to a _couple_ of friends in need that there _might_ be a group willing to help them. A group who can move practically unseen, who hide in the shadows, and do it so well that some people don't even know that they exist. I told them that you might be amiable to assisting them in a business venture... You all do need a little bit of adventure!" He twinkled at them merrily, ignoring their shocked and murderous stares. 

Bilbo sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Who? And what did you say other than that?" He demanded suddenly, looking the part of the mob boss that he was, rather than the sweet young bachelor. Gandalf's smile never faltered. "Some dwarrow, my dear boy! I believe you may have heard of them; The Company. There are only very few left, however. The rest are dead, scattered, or presumed dead. I simply invited them over for tea! They'll be here tomorrow." He explained, never loosing the dammed twinkle. "Now, I must dash, they'll need me to gain safe passage through Bree, and I don't want their numbers reducing further." With that, he simply walked out, leaving the Hobbits gaping. 

"The Company!" Bilbo gasped, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. "This is no good; they're coming here!" He turned to his friends, and straightened up. "There's no stopping that confounded Wizard now. If he wants his tea, he'll have it! Come on, there's no time to waste. We need to prepare. Ham, fetch your wife, Lobelia, fetch your husband, we'll need all the help we can get." With that, Bilbo slipped into his slightly more Tookish mindset, and together, they got to work.


	2. Some Dwarrow arrive, and things get out of hand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who wants a dwarf-rave? Not Hobbits! Oh well. They'll have to deal with it, and who said that Wizards have to be unbeatable?

The next evening found Bilbo, Hamfast and Lobelia sitting calmly in his main sitting room. Esmerelda was firmly fixated on her computer, and the network of concealed cameras that she'd placed the day before. Otho and Bell were laying out the veritable feast that all of them had prepared, Drogo and Rory were mock-fighting, and Prim was stalking up and down the length of the main entrance, snapping at everything that moved, not including her lupine shadow, Dagger. 

It had taken them quite a while to get everything prepared, but they'd done it, and even had time to sort out escape routes, and plans for if they _did_ decide to go along with whatever Gandalf had planned. It was at this point, when Prim looked ready to start breaking things, that Esmerelda saw their first companion for the evening, and the door received three short knocks.

Bilbo rushed to the door, and opened it to reveal a large, tattooed dwarf, who looked like he could snap several Hobbits in half if he wished. "Dwalin, at your service." He muttered gruffly, pushing past Bilbo and hanging his cloak on a peg. "Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Wipe your feet." Bilbo sniffed, putting enough ice in his tone to make the dwarf listen. "Where's the food? The damn Wizard _said_ you were expecting us." He said. Bilbo was about to answer, or draw his knife, when Esmerelda and Prim stepped in. "Right this way, _Master Dwarf_!" One trilled sweetly, slipping past him and leading him towards the main dining room. "Please, do eat _whatever_ you'd like." The other smiled, showing her teeth just a tad. The massive dwarf blinked at them, before warily sitting down and starting to eat, with one eye on the two.

The second knock came then. Bilbo once again opened the door, this time to a shorter, white bearded dwarf, who bowed slightly. "Master Baggins? Balin, at your service." He smiled, politely waiting to be invited in, unlike the other, obviously ruder dwarf. "Indeed, and I am at yours and your family's." Bilbo said much more warmly, as Balin wiped his feet and hung up his cloak. "Brother!" He exclaimed jovially upon seeing the other dwarf. They knocked foreheads, and Balin sat himself down next to him, as the Hobbits winced slightly. 

The knocker was unfortunately abused again, and this time, Bilbo opened the door to _three_ dwarves. "Fìli," Said the first. "Kìli," Said the second. "And Vìli," Said the third. "At your service!" Said the three together. "Bilbo Baggins, at yours!" Replied Bilbo, and the three tumbled past him, in a whirl of blonde and brown hair. He watched as they hung their cloaks, and as the one named Vìli wandered into where the others were. Meanwhile, Kìli started to wipe his feet on _his mother's glory box_ , and Fìli started piling weapons into his arms. "Careful, they've just been cleaned." He winked, and Bilbo saw red. 

"Excuse **ME**!" He positively roared. The two stopped in their tracks, and the other three peered into the hall. "If you would be so **KIND** as to **STOP** using my _dead mother's belongings_ as a mud scraper, and if you would please not use _me_ as a weapon stand, I would be very much obliged." Bilbo glared at them, and unceremoniously dropped Fìli's weapons on the floor next to the coat rack, whilst Bell pointedly threw a cloth to Kìli, who cleaned the mud straight away. 

The knocker sounded again, and Bilbo turned his back on his guests, opened the door... And was nearly flattened by nine dwarves. Prim and Rory rushed forward, catching him just in time, and Bilbo glared up at Gandalf, who was peeping, along with another dwarf, into his home. " _Good evening_ , Gandalf." Bilbo spat angrily, as his Hobbits gathered behind him. Just as he opened his mouth to start shouting again, the dwarrow on the floor shot up and past them, into the house. "Good evening, dear fellows!" Gandalf replied, also moving past them. The last dwarf stood in the doorway, and bowed. "Dìs. At your service." She (it was quite obviously a she) said brightly. "I offer my apologies for my men-folk. They can be... Well, I'm sure you can see for yourselves." She laughed, stepping in, and letting the door click shut behind her. Bilbo found himself smiling back. At least some of them had manners. "Thank you, really, it'll be quite alright. Bilbo Baggins, at yours." He bowed too. 

And so followed one of the most frustrating times of Bilbo's life. So far, he'd gathered that Dìs and Vìli were married, Kìli and Fìli were their children, and another dwarf called Frerin was Dìs' brother. Also, his 100 year old plates had been tossed around like _toys_ , and he'd been laughed at repeatedly up to the point that his friends feared he'd kill them all. Finally, a final knock sounded, and the mood turned instantly somber. "That'll be him." Gandalf intoned, jerking his head at Bilbo. Bilbo raised an eyebrow, marched into the entry-way and opened the door. 

This dwarf, with his wild, silver streaked hair, short beard, and regal features was, simply put, stunning. Not only that, he commanded the attention of the room, like moths to a flame. He was also one of the most insulting, rudest creatures Bilbo had ever had in his home, possibly even surpassing the deceased Lobelia Bracegirdle senior, who'd been Lobelia junior's mother. After Thorin Oakensheild had insulted Bilbo once more (and really, a grocer!), Gandalf cleared his throat. "Thorin Oakensheild, son of Thráin, son of Thror, may I present to you Bilbo Baggins, head of the Shirelings." That shut him up.

In fact, it shut all of them up. The dwarves simply stood and gaped at him. This went on for long enough that Bilbo's friends arranged themselves around him in a protective circle, getting twitchy. Then, just as Bilbo was about to say... Something, they all started talking at once. Dwalin made as if to grab Bilbo's shoulder, but was stopped, as Esmarelda put herself firmly between them, knives coming from nowhere, and glinting in the candlelight. That stopped everyone once more, and after another tense moment, Bilbo gently laid his hand on Esmerelda's arm.

"Essie. Calm yourself, put down the knives. I think we should all have a nice cup of tea, and you," Bilbo said quietly, glaring at Gandalf. "Will explain what you want from us. Agreed? Lobelia, put down your weapons. The rest of you, follow me." He said, authority showing through. Mute, his people did as asked, and followed him into the dining room, taking seats at the table. After a moment of hushed arguments, the dwarves and Gandalf followed. 

Unfortunately, Dagger, their _'guard dog'_ had decided that enough was enough. Growling, she stalked into the room, and planted herself at Prim's feet. Instantly, the dwarves were out of their chairs, bristling with weapons, all frantically glaring at anyone who wasn't a part of the Company. " **Enough!** " Shouted Gandalf. "If I say that these Hobbits will not harm you, then harm you they will **not!** " He boomed, as the light seemed to leech out of the room. Bilbo stepped forward once more, and put a hand on Dagger's neck. Thorin lowered his sword. "Will you explain, Hobbit," He spat. "How you happen to have a full-grown warg?" Bilbo frowned, and gestured sharply at Primula, who looked smug at all of the attention she was getting suddenly. "Dagger is mine. My protector and friend, and you will not hurt her. If you leave her alone, she will not harm you. Now, get on with your story. She's getting impatient." Prim snapped.

Bilbo looked at his pocket watch, then raised an eyebrow at Rory. The other smirked and nodded minutely. Gandalf cleared his throat, but Thorin was the one who spoke. "We," he muttered, gesturing at his entourage and starting in on the soup that Rory had produced. "Are the remnants of The Company." The other dwarves and Gandalf started eating the soup too, and Bilbo suppressed a smile. "Our base of operations, Erebor, was taken some time ago by the fire-drake Smaug. Not only this, but our safe place, Moria, was taken by the Pale Orcs. We were unable to take it back, and indeed, we lost many of the Company trying. We want to take back Erebor." He explained, looking around at the others. Bilbo nodded, and Gandalf chose then to break in. "I told Thorin that to take Erebor, he'd need someone who could move silently, and swiftly, and who's scent would be unknown to the dragon. A Hobbit!" He said, somehow mixing grave and cheery. "But, I know full well that the majority of hobbits would never go out adventuring. Except you, Bilbo." He smiled, and Bilbo had had quite enough. "So what? You want me to join the Company on this idiotic quest to kill a dragon, and leave my Gang behind? If you think I'd be interested, you can leave right now, Gandalf!" Bilbo spluttered. Gandalf nodded sagely. 

"When did you, of all people stop looking for adventure?" Gandalf questioned. "I can still remember the boy who'd go out searching for anything other than this life." He sounded sad now. "You might do well to think of your mother." Bilbo, once again lost it. Before anyone blinked, he was in front of Gandalf, knife to his throat. "I stopped that stupid _nonsense_ because my family needed me to become something else." He hissed. " I am perfectly content with this life, and you, of all people don't get to talk about my mother. It's your fault that she's dead!" He shouted. 

The stress finally caught up to him when Balin pulled out a massive contract, in which he saw the neatly printed words 'death by incineration'. He's quite unashamed to say he fainted, right then and there, into his Gardener/Bodyguard's arms. 

He woke up to his Hobbits and Gandalf, as well as a couple of the dwarrow hovering over him. He shot upright, and glared at Gandalf. "What time is it?" He snapped to Drogo, who nearly dropped his pocket watch in his fumbling. "Half past eleven, sir." He squeaked. Bilbo nodded, and a smile quite rarely found on any hobbit's face, made its way onto his lips. He thought of his mother, and how she had always wanted him to explore the world, and expand the gang. He had made his mind up then and there, when he thought back on it years later. 

"Any minute then." He said instead. "I'll go with you." He stated. "But only if you tell me whatever it is that you're leaving out. And, my people come with me." Gandalf frowned, and Dwalin spluttered. "I should think not! If you think we're stupid enough to let a group of you go with us, then you're mistaken. What if you try to kill us in our sleep? One is bad enough!" He was met with nods from several of the others, and Bilbo was getting really fed up of these people. "I'm sure you aren't stupid." He said. "But really, none of you ever thought to check what was in your food, now did you?" He smiled as the dwarves started looking woozy. As they collapsed one by one, he smirked. "And if we wanted you dead, you'd be dead already." Was the last thing they heard before they were unconscious. 

He looked over to where even Gandalf was passed out, and nodded. "Lobelia, and the rest of you, start moving them. Once they're all tied up in the basement, get every last one of their weapons, and start packing. If any of you want to go, that is?" He looked at each of them nervously, and they all nodded. "Thank you. Really. I'll sign the contract, and you can all add your names. Time to go!"

At ten o'clock the next morning, Bilbo went downstairs with his companions, and waited. After about ten minutes, the dwarves, and Gandalf all started to wake slowly, and Bilbo crossed his arms. Another five minutes and the sixteen dwarves were all glaring at him, and he laughed. "Your weapons are here. Your cloaks and bags are here, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't all try and kill me straight away." He said. "Gandalf, your staff is right here, and I am sorry for that. There was no time for me to warn you." Gandalf nodded, and stood, finding that he had been left untied. He smiled, and Bilbo held up the signed contract. He motioned for Prim to untie Balin, and passed the parchment to him. "It should be in order." He said, and Balin nodded, smiling to himself. 

After the confirmation, Bilbo let the other dwarves free, and started up the stairs. Waiting outside were 24 ponies, and one horse, which Hamfast had gotten from where the dwarves were staying, and from a breeder in Bree. "Right," said Bilbo, climbing onto his pony. "Off we go, I should imagine?" He muttered, and together with his companions, he rode off after the dwarves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, commenting and giving kudos so far! It's always lovely for me to see that people actually like some of my rambling. I may not update all of the time due to my approaching exams, but I'll do my best -Wolfy xx


	3. An interlude.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will stick as close as I can remember to the proper storyline, but I want bonding to happen, and happen it shall!

Only an hour after the merry little group had set off, and the Hobbits were already getting restless. Of course, you would too, if you'd: a) never left your village b) never travelled with dwarves or c) never ridden a pony. For some of our dear Hobbits, all three were true. For example, Otho was one of these, as was Bell. Drogo had travelled with dwarves once, whilst on business for Bilbo, as had Rory. None of the Hobbits had ridden ponies apart from Prim and Esmerelda, and Bilbo, Hamfast and Lobelia had all been out of the Shire numerous times; the former on business and the two latter being his bodyguards. 

Of course, add their various discomforts to the lingering tensions between the two groups, plus the Hobbits having missed second breakfast and several meals, plus the all around grogginess from a sleeping draught, and you had a recipe for disaster. Which it was. 

It all started to go wrong when Dagger, grumpy old devil that she was, decided that she'd had enough of walking beside her Hobbit. Instead, she lagged behind the group, waited until they'd gotten ahead by a few paces, and taken a flying leap onto the back of Primula's poor pony. The creature, already ill at ease with the rest of its kin due to the mere presence of the warg, panicked. It reared, throwing Dagger to the ground, and started to dance in place, whinnying pitifully, and spooking the other ponies in the process. Dagger growled in frustration, causing all the more panic, and the ponies stampeded, throwing all the inexperienced riders to the ground. 

Of course, this did nothing to help the Hobbits fit in with the rest of the group. Only Dwalin, Thorin, Esmerelda and Gandalf remained on their mounts, and the others were running for the hills. Everyone dusted themselves off, and Thorin rounded on Prim. "What in Mahal's name do you think you're doing?" He roared as she picked herself up. "Your stupid pet has cost us almost all of our transport! Do you have any idea how much time and money we're going to loose because of you? We're against the clock as it is!" Seeing Essie giggling at something behind him, he turned on her. "Do you think this is funny? I certainly don't! Is this a game to you? Because we do not need some weak bodied, pathetic little creatures who can't even ride ponies!" Thorin trailed off suddenly, as he found a knife digging into his throat. 

"Don't." Drogo ground out through clenched teeth. "Don't you dare threaten her-them. Don't you threaten them." He hissed, digging in. "It was an accident. You aren't our leader, and you do not get to tell us off for something that no one could have prevented." He was stopped, as Bilbo cleared his throat. Drogo's head shot round to look at him, and the younger Hobbit visibly paled, as Bilbo deliberately folded his arms across his chest. 

"Drogo Baggins, get down. Now." He said quietly, and Drogo scrambled off of Thorin's pony and away as fast as possible. Bilbo cuffed him around the back of the head, and turned to Thorin. He smiled the most vicious smile he had, and cocked his head to the side. "I don't suppose, Master Oakenshield, that you are finished with this lovely little display?" He asked slowly. Thorin went slightly red. "Only, as you said, we're up against the clock, and since you're so convinced that we'll be behind, shouldn't we ride on?" He continued.

"As you heard, and saw, Master Baggins, your mounts have bolted, so, do tell me, how do you expect us to continue on?" Thorin asked, visibly calming his temper. "Uncle-" Kìli broke in, but was stopped as Bilbo wordlessly pointed just over Thorin's shoulder at something behind him. 

Sighing dramatically, Thorin turned his pony around, and came face to face with Dagger's snarling jaws, as she sat, very calmly on Prim's pony. The other ponies stood in a semi-circle around them, silently staring at the shocked, surprised and mirthful faces of the Company. 

They carried on quite quickly after that, with Thorin riding purposefully to the head of the line of people alongside Dwalin, and joining Gandalf's amused face. Of course, with Dagger's little sheep-herding act, many of the dwarves were now extremely curious.

Bofur was the first to let his curiosity get the better of him. He rode up next to Bilbo, and patted him roughly on the shoulder. "Alright there, Mister Baggins? That was some trick your, um, well, pet managed!" He said cheerfully. Bilbo nodded, smiling back. "She's more a companion than a pet." Bilbo replied. "She's very intelligent, too." He added. The silence stretched on for a few minutes before a conversation between Lobelia and Dori drifted back. "-very quiet, indeed." Dori was saying. "And he just seemed to appear from nowhere!" He exclaimed.

Lobelia squinted at him. "Yes, well, never let it be said that we're as noisy as some other races." Lobelia said pointedly, glancing first at her bare feet, then at Dori's boots. "Well I never! We can be quiet as mice if we need! We just choose not to!" He exclaimed. "How do you do it, then, if you're so brilliant at being quiet?" He asked. Lobelia opened her mouth, then closed it with a snap, and turned very red. Luckily, her husband saved her. 

"We Hobbits are entitled to our secrets, Master dwarf." Otho said, sticking his nose in the air. "Just like I'm sure you do too." Bilbo released the breath he'd been holding, and looked at Bofur. 

"Do you want to know how she did it?" He asked, indicating a smug looking Dagger. Bofur nodded so hard, his hat nearly flew off. "Wargs, if trained from being pups, are not just vicious. They're loyal, hard-working, brave, and extremely intelligent. And, if you must know, some Hobbits have certain abilities when it comes to plants and animals." He said, noticing that most of the company was now listening to him. 

"Bilbo!" Hamfast hissed, nudging his friend. "That is supposed to be a-"

"Secret, yes I know, but surely they need to know that Dagger can understand them if they're in need? And, as the leader, surely I get to decide what can and cannot be said?" He reasoned. The dwarves, by this point, had given up entirely on eavesdropping, and were now actively listening. "Hold on, she can understand us?" Bofur asked. Bilbo and Hamfast nodded distractedly at him, before they were interrupted in their glaring match by Bell's tinkling laughter.

"Really now, my boys. Surely you can have a 'I'm better than you' competition later?" She said, smiling demurely at them, as they frowned. "That's not-" Hamfast started, only to be stopped by his wife's glare. "Yes, dear." He said instead, prompting laughter from a couple of the others. Dìs was grinning from ear to ear, and reigned her pony in next to the other female.

"Nicely done." She commented. "Nice to see that there's at least one other person around here who knows how to handle her men." 

Bell nodded sagely. "Oh yes, I do." She smirked, winking as Hamfast turned as red as Bilbo's tomatoes. Dìs laughed again, and nodded. "I like you. I'm riding here, if that's ok?" She asked. Bell nodded, and the two devolved into conversation. 

By this time, the sun was setting, and they were halfway to Bree. Thorin called a halt to the group, and they started to set up camp. Luckily, it was a warm enough night, and everyone quickly settled themselves around the fire, waiting hungrily for dinner. Rory cast an appraising eye over the food, before nodding at the other Hobbits. It was only after his approval that the others started eating. After noticing the looks being cast his way, Rory explained himself. 

"Out or the nine of us, I'm the chemical expert. No offence, but we needed to check that you'd not try to get us back for my soup trick last night." He said quietly. The dwarves gradually stopped eating to stare at him open-mouthed. Balin cleared his throat. "Chemical expert? You have a chemical expert?" He questioned.

Rory nodded with one eyebrow raised. Balin continued. "Why in all of Arda would you need a chemical expert? Hardly any know you all exist! And if they did, why would they poison you when a weapon is much more effective and reliable?" He fired off quickly.

"Well, we trade with people from all over, even if they don't know we're a gang. And chemical warfare is on the rise. Surely you can see the merit in having a person who can identify whether or not you'll die by eating something on sight? Plus, because we eat seven meals per day, poisoning is one of the most common or reliable ways to kill a Hobbit. Of course, there's also the fact that some poisons are undetectable to an untrained eye, and it's quieter than stabbing or shooting." Rory fired off the points, sounding very much like he'd said this before, and he smiled at the shocked looks.

Ori was writing it all down as quickly as possible. "Seven meals?" Asked Oin loudly. "Why did none of you tell me? You've no idea what missing four meals a day will do to your bodies!" He admonished. Hamfast looked at the healer.

"It won't affect us." He stated stoically. Oin spluttered. 

"I'm a fully trained healer. I think I'd know, even if I usually treat dwarves, more or less what is good and bad for you." He said.

"As am I." Bell interrupted. "Hobbits live for comfort. We eat seven meals a day, yes, but if given the right concoction of herbs and supplements, we can quite easily wean ourselves off of seven and down to one at the very least." Oin was cut off from replying as a distant howl tore through the air. 

"What was that?" Bilbo asked sharply. Kìli and Fìli looked at each other, and grinned, before plastering very knowledgeable looks on their faces. "That, our dear companion, would be an Orc pack. They move silently in the dead of night, cut your throat while you sleep." They said gravely. Bilbo turned to face them, whilst Otho turned a shade paler. "Really?" Asked Bilbo. Prim sighed angrily and strode up to the menaces.

"That's quite funny, because when Orcs entered the Shire, looking to slaughter us all, I remember them being quite loud. And when one broke down our door and had to be brought down by three of us, he squealed like a pig! Of course, when the Yavanna damned beast killed my Grandmother in cold blood, he (funnily enough) didn't have the decency to kill her quietly either. He killed her as painfully as he could manage!" She shouted, getting steadily more angry. The other Hobbits looked a mixture of sorrowful and haunted, obviously reliving memories. 

Swiftly, Thorin berated the two, before leaving to brood. Balin made a lovely speech, and the Hobbits looked at the leader of the Company with newfound respect, not noticing that many of the dwarves were doing the same to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it. I'm doing quite well, actually, because I never write this quickly usually. Anyway, if you enjoyed, please let me know! -Wolfy xx


	4. Hobbits have quite a lot of groupies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The (not) long-awaited encounter with Bree-folk! Still no Trolls, I'm afraid. By this time, it seems like we'll find the dragon before we find Trolls. They're rare, you know.

The next morning, they were up at the crack of dawn. Unlike the day before, however, the Hobbits and Dwarves were mixing a little bit more. For example, Oin of all people was chatting away (rather loudly) to Bell, about the benefits of some herbs. That is, until Rory had to be called in, as the herb dwarves used to cure colds happened to be extremely poisonous to Hobbits. From then, they rode as a three, with Dori listening in, as this chemical warfare thing was quite interesting to him, and similar to how he poisoned his 'special' teas.

Lobelia and Otho struck up a conversation with Gloin, who was apparently married, about children. Lobelia was decidedly against children, whereas Otho wanted nothing more. Then, of course, they got on to their professions. It turned out that Otho and Gloin had quite similar roles. Gloin was the stock-taker/banker of the Company, and Otho was the same for the Hobbits, although he also helped with the food. Lobelia rode off in a huff, and found herself next to Esmerelda.

Essie was riding alongside Ori, chatting very happily with him about cameras and the like. Right behind them was Dwalin's hulking figure, desperately trying to listen in, without actually appearing to listen in. Lobelia snickered quietly, and dropped back next to him. Silently, she slipped her hand into his pocket and took what she'd seen glinting earlier. She dropped even further back, plastered an innocent look onto her face and quickly started chatting to Dìs.

About an hour after this, Thorin called the party to a halt. "Lunch!" Came the cry from the front. The Hobbits happily dismounted, laughing merrily at each others' attempts to get off of the beasts. Suddenly, a cry of frustration came from Dwalin. "My rings!" He shouted furiously. 

Everyone stopped to stare. Thorin walked up to the massive dwarf. "What's happened?" He asked calmly. Dwalin snarled something indecipherable before rounding on Frerin, Fìli and Kìli. "You three! It's always you three! Where is it? Which one of you Mahal-cursed idiots decided to mess with me?" He cried. Frerin backed off with his hands held up, and so did Fìli. Kìli wasn't quick enough. 

He advanced on the younger dwarf, before Dìs wedged herself in between them. "Carry on threatening my son, Dwalin, and I'll have your arse on the floor so fast, your dick will invert itself-" Luckily, she was cut off by Lobelia. 

"Pardon me, but is this what you're talking about?" She asked, the picture of innocence. In her outstretched palm, she held a set of brass knuckles, inlaid with sharp gems and metal ridges. Dwalin frowned. "Where did you find them?" He questioned gruffly, trying to snatch them away. She danced just out of reach. 

She smirked suddenly. "Find them? I didn't find them. They were just glinting so prettily on your hand that I just had to-" Bilbo slipped up to her side, and had them out of her hand before she could blink. He silently held them out to Dwalin, who looked ready to drop from sheer confusion mixed with anger. Dwalin opened his mouth to speak, but was also cut off by Bilbo. 

"Lunch." He said in a steely tone. He shoved Lobelia away, and towards the food. "Sorry about her. She likes shiny things." He apologised, smiling slightly, before turning towards his pony. Prim started giggling quietly next to Fìli.

Eventually, the group carried on, although tensions were, once more, running high. Suddenly, a shout came from the front to stop once more. Vìli turned his pony around sharply, and before anyone could move, he was striding into the brush at the side of the road. There were sounds of a scuffle, and the dwarves laid their hands on their weapons before Vìli plodded out, holding a quite young Hobbit tween by the back of his coat.

"I knew it!" Vìli exclaimed. "I've felt eyes on us ever since we set off!" The tween struggled fruitlessly in his vice-like grip.

"Put me down!" He shouted, and Esmerelda gasped. She threw herself forward and into Vìli's personal space. "Essie!" He grinned sheepishly. "Put him down, this instant!" Esmerelda snapped. Vìli did as he was bid.

The second the little Hobbit's feet touched the floor, Esmerelda rounded on him. "What do you think you're doing? Do you any idea how worried everyone will be?" The faunt looked down, and scuffed the floor with one foot. "Isengrim Took! You look at me! Mum will kill me for this!" She roared. 

"But the others came too!" He argued angrily. "Why aren't you telling them off?" At this point a collective groan came from the bushes and trees surrounding them, and many fauntlings materialised. One particularly angry looking one stomped forwards and shoved Isengrim. "You stupid idiot! You weren't supposed to tell them! Our adventure was supposed to be a secret. They'll send us home now!" She looked steadily less angry and more upset as she continued. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, and her lip wobbled dangerously. 

Bilbo waded in. "Now now, Mirabella. Don't shove your brother." He said, and all of the faunts simultaneously flocked towards him. The dwarves looked on with eyes as wide as saucers as the little ones seemed to swarm the 'fearsome' gang leader. "My God." Whispered Bofur. "They've covered him." He remarked to his brother, as various mumblings of 'bless my beard' and 'Mahal above' sounded out. 

Thorin stepped forward. "Yes, as lovely as this is, this quest is supposed to be secret. And we can't afford to waste more time sending these children home. We can't take them with us." He snapped, effectively drawing all of the attention onto him. 

Several of them let out squeaks and left Bilbo to converge on Thorin. You see, the thing about fauntlings is that they're very, very curious. In the Shire at summer, you can find them roaming around in herds and packs, getting up to as much mischief as possible. Which, if you know Hobbits, is a lot. Due to their peaceful home, they also don't have too much to fear. Add this to the fact that these faunts had never seen a dwarf, and you have this: Thorin Oakenshieild, sitting glumly on the ground, brooding majestically whilst being used as a climbing frame. He was not enjoying it, thank you very much!

Soon after this, one particularly brave little one, who was Rory and Primula's sister noticed the besotted faces of the other dwarves... Other dwarves! Silently, she tottered away from Thorin and towards the other dwarves. More specifically, Dwalin. Prim was nearly wetting herself with laughing, and Rory looked worried. "Amaranth! Be careful! No! You do not just climb people when you want to say hello-oh. Sorry, Master Dwalin, I can get her off if you want?" He stammered as the tiny girl nimbly climbed up Dwalin's torso and settled herself on his shoulders. Dwalin shook his head and adjusted her. 

By this point, the other children had also noticed the dwarves, and following Amaranth's example, pottered towards the other hairy-people. Thorin looked slightly and secretly bereft as his friends left him, but one stayed. "Up!" Mirabella Took cried imperiously, tugging on his braids. Trying to suppress a smile, Thorin did as he was commanded. Bilbo looked almost apoplectic with embarrassment. 

"I am so sorry! Daisy do not tug on Mister Bofur's hat! We'll get them off, they have a tendency to follow me around, we can turn them around- they'll make their own way home." He stammered. Quickly, the dwarves turned to face him. Bifur signed something to Bofur who nodded so hard that Daisy nearly flew off of his head. 

"We can't just leave them here! They'll get lost! Who knows what could come for them in the forest?" He cried. The other dwarrow agreed. Bilbo raised an eyebrow. "They'll turn up eventually!" He smiled, noting the white faces of some of the dwarves at his assurance.

"Is everything quite alright? Mister Gloin? You look awfully pale. Can we get you- we can remove the little ones. And don't worry about their mothers chasing us down, why, Esmerelda's mother has ten little ones with her as it is, so she won't miss these two for a while yet-” to continue the developing theme of people being cut off, Bilbo was too. Only the cause was Gloin fainting dead away, with Frerin and Dori looking as though they were about to emulate his fall. Frerin lost his battle with gravity. "Timber!" Called Daisy proudly. 

Drogo looked at Dìs. "What's wrong with them?" He whispered worriedly. Rory looked about to faint with worry himself, and Primula was close to dropping from (laughter induced) lack of oxygen. Her laughter was so loud that several birds were startled from the treetops, and tears poured down her face. 

Balin retained some of his good sense. He turned to Lobelia and Otho, who looked quite indifferent. "Mistress Lobelia?" He called quietly. "May I ask a question which may erase all of this confusion?" He asked. She nodded. "How many children do Hobbits usually have?" 

Lobelia sniffed. "Lots, usually. Mrs. Took only has ten, as Bilbo said. A fairly normal number is from anywhere between ten and fifteen, although a popular number currently is seven. Bilbo's an only one, poor dear. His mother did so seem like she'd be perfect for having at least twelve-" She stopped, because Balin too, had fainted. Before things could get any worse, Dìs stepped in.

"Dwarves are a lot less able, shall we say, to have children." She announced, fighting wooziness herself. "A dam is lucky to have one stripling, much less two." She added proudly. "As you can see, hearing that a race such as yours is so lucky in that regard, can be overwhelming." She explained. "We have major troubles giving birth too, a dam is as likely to die along with her child during birth as we are during battle. In any case, this means that we cherish any child that we come across, regardless of race. To us, they are a rarity and a gift, and to suggest that we just leave all these younglings to find their own way home, is unheard of."

Bilbo sighed. "Alright, we'll take them as far as Bree. From there, Essie can get us in contact with their mothers, and Bell, doesn't your sister help run the Prancing Pony? Surely she could 'watch' them until the mothers can go and fetch them?" Bilbo winked on the watch part, knowing full well that the faunts would simply wander home and meet their mothers in the middle, but after seeing the Spontaneous Great Dwarf Blood-thinning, he decided it best to leave that out.

It took them only ten minutes to pack up and move on again, with each little one choosing a dwarven steed. They plodded once more onwards, the Hobbits slowly becoming more and more amused. It got better when Nori, having been hit in the face by a branch, decided that swearing was ok. 

"Fucking Mahal damned piece of shit!" He swore. Dori hit him in the back of the head, as the other dwarves glared at him. "Don't swear in front of the children!" He hissed, as Frerin of all people tutted. Nori looked sheepishly at the tiny creature sat in front of him. He looked up at Nori and laughed. "Sorry." He muttered. 

At this point, the same branch that hit Nori hit Bell so hard that she came off of her pony. "Fuck you! You fucking shit-arsed bag of dicks. Yavanna damn you to Fucking Tartarus, you twat!" She spat, picking herself off and dusting herself off. Still murmuring expletives that would make the most hardened of sailors cry, she climbed back onto her mount, and stopped short at the shocked and slightly terrified faces of the dwarves. "What?" She snapped. 

At this point, Gandalf intervened. "As you might be able to see, Hobbits use swearing to vent their frustrations." He said calmly. "In fact, young ones are encouraged to swear from young ages to stop the promotion of violence. They are, when it is possible, a race of pacifists." He explained. 

Ori leaned over to Fìli. "What does ******** ***-**** even mean?" He asked. As you can see, dear readers, it is far too offensive to note down even here. Fìli shivered, and shrugged, gesturing at the petite hobbit who was now discussing food with Bombur. "I don't know, but I think we'd best not find out." He whispered.

Finally, the Company and friends arrived at the gates of Bree. Bilbo rode up to the front and knocked sharply on the gate three times. The hatch far above Bilbo's head opened, and a sigh was heard, before a second, lower hatch was opened.

"What- Oh, begging your pardon Grand-Master Baggins! I do apologise, I'd no idea any of your lot were passing through! Let me open the gate for you." The gatekeeper stuttered, getting less angry as time went on.

"Don't worry yourself, Harry! It's all okay. It's quite a spur of the moment thing for us all too, you needn't panic. I suppose it's been a tough week?" Bilbo replied jovially. 

"Aye," replied the gruff Man. "It's been a rough one. A Company of Dwarves passed through earlier in the week, had us all on our guard. I trust they didn't cause your esteemed self any trouble? One of those damned Wizards assured us that they weren't a threat, but he said that the last time, and..." He trailed off uncertainly, as pain flashed briefly across the Hobbit's face.

"Indeed. Well, seeing as we're currently travelling with those dwarves, it might be best that you don't let them hear that." Bilbo whispered. "They weren't too bad, were they? If so, we can travel around?" At a shake of the head from the Man, Bilbo continued. "We've got a few wayward faunts trying to follow us; I don't suppose you could turn them around when we're leaving? Get a message to the Prancing Pony, too. We'll need rooms."

'Harry' nodded, and finally set about opening the gate. "In y' come gents! And the little madams too, 'o course!" He said, smiling at the group.

Finally, the large group entered Bree with reassurances from Harry that he'd make sure the faunts were safe. 

The Company quickly split up to bargain for any last-minute essentials, whilst Gandalf procured rooms and the Hobbits went about emailing their friends and relatives to assure them that they were off on clan-business and would most likely be ok.

With loud sighs, after a warm meal and baths, the lot of them went to bed, so that they'd be ready for the journey ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, again. Feel free to check me out on Tumblr or Wattpad; Weirdwolfteaser. Also, I may be getting a beta, who happens to be my friend-appointed wife! Hooray! - Wolfy xx


	5. We found the trolls!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... We're about to stumble upon the trolls!... Although it may not be the best thing. Anyway, I'm excited for this. I don't really plan what I'm going to write beforehand, but I've had a couple of ideas. So, trolls, and... A budding romance, if we're lucky.

The morning that they left Bree was a slow one. The Dwarves had taken the stop at Bree as a last chance to get thoroughly smashed. The Hobbits, however, hadn't.

They'd been nervous, awaiting the sunrise. Of course, they'd also wanted to plan. It just wouldn't do, they'd agreed, to set off only to get tripped at the first hurdle. And judging the groans, cusses and general hatred of the world coming from the Dwarves, they'd been right to make hangover cures. 

Not that they'd let them off without some misery. However, for a while, the Hobbits would put up with it, if only so that they could: a) mercilessly taunt them and b) have a slow start to their day.

As you may well know, Hobbits live for nothing if not comfort, nature and family. Now seeing as they'd probably have enough nature along the side of the road, and they had family with them, comfort was the only issue, but having a steady introduction into life on the road could help immensely.

So, they set off slowly. In fact, the grumbling that they'd expected and actually planned for was null and void in the face of how funny it turned out to be. You see, as hard-headed and terrifying as Dwarves were, it turned out that with hangovers, they weren't so much angry bears as pathetic kittens. And we're talking completely pathetic.

Thorin rode at the front of the group with Balin and Gandalf, with only a mild hangover, as he shaded his obviously delicate eyes with one hand. "Having trouble seeing with all of this bright cloud?" Snickered Otho. He recieved a weak glare for his trouble.

Surprisingly, the one who was angrily hungover wasn't Dwalin. Or Thorin. Oh no, it was Bofur. Which was at the same time funny and terrifying. Prim watched bemusedly, as he went about his business. He stomped everywhere, somehow managing to get his pony to do the same, and kept his hat jammed onto his head, swearing periodically. If anyone annoyed him, everyone in Middle Earth knew, because he was very vocal about his displeasure.

Fìli and Kìli slumped together, half asleep and leaning against each other from separate ponies. Any time anyone tried to talk to them, they threw something.

Gloin appeared to have buried himself in his beard, and now somewhat resembled a very angry squirrel. His brother was also struggling somewhat. Luckily, he could block the noise, and did so, by 'misplacing' his ear horn, to discourage others from attempting to converse with him. Balin was the only dwarf who didn't seem bothered by his hangover. The only way you could tell that he was in agony was if you spoke loudly to him, in which case he would suddenly drop his charming smile, which was almost enough to scare the others away. Dwalin appeared to still be a bit drunk, as he blatantly flirted with everyone besides his brother. "So, d'you travel down this path often, Master Gandalf?" He asked quietly, with a wink. When Gandalf laughed, he moved on to Primula. "So, Mistress Hobbit, do tell me, how many hearts will you have broken in your departure? A great many, I'm sure." He rumbled quite seductively. Drogo appeared suddenly near them. "None," sniffed Prim, haughtily. "Especially since the one I'd want to care about me is standing right behind me!" She grinned at the blushing Drogo.

Dwalin moved on after that, to the Ri brothers. Even they were hungover. Dori somehow managed to keep being a mother hen, even though his hangover seemed to make him want to be as far away as possible from his brothers. He rode next to Balin, and asked Bell to see how his brothers were roughly every ten minutes.

Ori seemed to be in a similar state to Bofur, but was more physical about it. When Dwalin tried to flirt with him, he threw one of Nori's knives at the other male, which seemed only to encourage him.

Nori just looked plain sad. Everything about him seemed to droop, even his hair, and when Bilbo asked if he was ok, he nearly cried. When Bofur shouted at him for something, he actually did cry.

Bombur, bless him, simply went about his business as usual, and the only way you could tell he was hungover was that he winced at all loud noise. The Hobbits took pity on him, because when Bell asked why he wasn't complaining, his quiet reply was that he didn't want to bother anyone. Ergo, he got the hangover cure first.

Bifur hadn't gotten drunk. He was the only one, and Bofur (angrily) explained that Bifur hadn't touched alcohol apart from Hobbit and Elven make since before his head injury.

When they stopped for lunch, the Hobbits put the other dwarves out of their misery, and as they were so eager to get their hangovers out of the way, none of them even thought about how long the Hobbits had had the cures for. Apart from Oin, but he was quickly distracted by Bifur, who'd taken his shirt off. When the Healer wasn't looking (at his face, that is) Bifur winked at the Hobbits.

After a punishing afternoon's ride, they finally stopped at a burnt out farmhouse.

Although the Hobbits felt something off about the place, they were too tired to argue. Everyone's attention slowly wandered over to where Thorin and Gandalf were having their fourth argument in an hour. Finally, Gandalf stormed off, straight through the cluster of Hobbits. As they scattered, Bilbo spoke up. "Where are you going?" He shouted.

"To sit with the only one around here with any sense!" Gandalf bellowed.

"And who's that?" Prim asked, with one arm through Drogo's.

"Myself!" And with that, he stormed into the forest. Everyone milled around for a while, taking care of their jobs. With nothing else to do, the Hobbits set about with their own little tasks. That was, until the sky was going dark, and Fili burst through the undergrowth.

"Trolls! Trolls in the forest! They've got Kili! Just thought you ought to know." He shouted, and fainted dead away. As the camp devolved into chaos, the Hobbits roused Fili, and when he was back with them, the dwarves charged straight towards the troll camp, scarcely stopping, only retrieving their weapons.

The Hobbits were left blinking dumbly at the dust cloud they left, and wondering how they ended up on a quest with idiots. After listening to the lash of battle stop suddenly, they sprang to action. For, where Dwarves and Men, and even Elves could do well in battles, Hobbits had several tactical advantages. 

First; they worked, lived and thrived in the shadows. Most people believed that Hobbits belonged in the sun, and Dwarves belonged in mountains, and they were right, for the most part. However, hobbit smials could go for miles underground, and some Hobbits could actually see better in the dark than Dwarves! Plus, when you were almost always smaller than your opponent, the shadows could mean the difference between life and death.

Second; every Hobbit was absolutely brilliant with any ranged weapon. They could take anything, be it a bow or a slingshot, and be as good as an Elf, some even better. With this, and their stealth, anyone a Hobbit wanted dead would be before they knew they were under attack, and Rory's poisoned arrows were a favourite. 

Third; they could climb like no other. Some myths even told of Hobbits being able to defy gravity.

So, sneaking into the trees and surrounding the trolls was easy. They assessed the situation from there, signing to each other in Hobbitish. "When can we eat 'em, Bert? I'm hungry!" The smallest troll whined, completely unaware of the audience.

The second troll whined as well. "Shut up, Tom! He's not done, and they need a good roasting." Bert snapped.

"But you didn't snap at Bill!" Tom groused, and both trolls received a whack on the head.

With a few signs, Bilbo slid down his tree, and stalked airily into the camp. Without waiting for the dumbfounded trolls to speak, he interrupted. 

"They're better cooked in a pot, not on a spit." He snapped. "And you've got the seasoning all wrong, so I'm very happily going to tell you to let them go. Now."

"Wa' makes you fink we're gunna do that?" Tom asked smiling grimly, and cracking his knuckles.

Before Bilbo could reply, Tom was howling on the floor, clutching his stomach. He pulled a tiny dagger from his now bleeding wound, and looked at Bilbo in disbelief. 

Bert stepped forward menacingly. Bill rushed to Tom. "E's got to be magic or sumfin, Bert! That came from nowhere, an e never moved." He whispered none too quietly.

"What are you?" Bert demanded, not going any closer. "Are you magic?"

Bilbo didn't reply, just smiled, showing slightly pointed teeth, and made a slashing motion with his arm. This time, a small rock hit Bert in the eye, effectively half blinding him. As he yelped in pain, Bilbo turned to Bill. "Does that answer your questions? I rather doubt you'd have wanted to eat them, they have parasites in their tubes." He laughed. Bill, who'd just picked Bombur up to sniff at him, squealed, and threw him back down.

At this moment, both Tom and Bert lunged clumsily at him, and Gandalf suddenly appeared, smashing a rock, and allowing the poor trolls to be turned to stone. 

The Hobbits surrounded Bilbo in minutes, and checked on him before turning to the incensed dwarves in their sacks and on the spit.

"We do not have parasites!" Roared Gloin, and Bilbo stated open-mouthed at him.

"Are you completely stupid?" Wondered Dìs. "They just saved us, and all you can think about is that?"

"Nope! No. That's it. I was going to untie you all and be done with it, but now, you can figuratively and literally stew. Put the fire out, but keep turning the spit. Let's see who's motion sick." He ordered, and his loyal followers did so. Gandalf, the sod, simply laughed, and sat down to watch. "I'll untie you when you ask nicely and apologise or thank me." He said, and stood before them, simply tapping his foot. 

Dìs was the first to relent. "Master Baggins? Yes, hello, would you please let me out? I'd like to apologise for the others, and thank you for your quick thinking." She said sweetly. In an instant, the Hobbits released her, helped her up, handed her her things, and Bilbo smiled warmly. 

"No need to apologise for them." He sniffed. "They are perfectly capable of doing it for themselves. And please, call me Bilbo!" He tacked on with a grin. She nodded, and settled next to Gandalf on his rock.

Various dwarves had started hissing, whispering and outright shouting insults at Bilbo, whilst he simply smiled beatifically at them. Most amusing was poor Dwalin's face. After every rotation, he got a little bit more red in the face, and his insults got steadily more pained and violent. 

Ori broke next. "Excuse me?" He asked, looking slightly green. "Can you please let me off? I'm sorry for being a bother." He stuttered, and Bell undid him. She took pity, and helped him over to the bushes, where he let his nausea get the better of him. The worried hobbits hovered around him, and settled him next to Bell, who mothered him very thoroughly. 

Bombur was third. From his spot on the floor, he wriggled till he faced Bilbo. "Can you set me loose?" He asked. He opened his mouth to say more, but Lobelia had already released him. "Oh, you poor dear. You landed hard on your side, didn't you? Let us have a look at you, we'll look after you." She fretted, and Bombur was quickly hustled out of sight, surrounded by Lobelia, Esmerelda and Prim, who insisted on making sure he was alright. 

The dwarves watched, open mouthed as he was swarmed by the women, and looked to Bilbo, who simply grinned. "Right, some of you are ok, actually, I'll let a couple of you go, because you've been nothing but nice." He muttered. Drogo released Bofur, Bifur, Vili, Balin and Frerin, leaving the others to get even angrier. 

By this point, only Dori, Nori, Dwalin and Fìli were left on the spit, with Otho lazily spinning them. On the floor. Only Gloin, Oin, Thorin and Kìli were left on the floor. Even through the sack, Bilbo could see that Thorin had resolutely crossed his arms. 

"Just remember," he said loudly, to the freed dwarrow sitting around him. "The only reason that we've not continued today, is because of their stupid pride." He hissed.

"Can you please just let me out, Master Hobbit? I'm sorry. Is that good enough?" Oin sighed loudly, finally giving in. The others, apart from Fìli and Kìli, who looked sad, glared at Oin, and Gloin tried to swat at him. "Traitor." He hissed. 

"Sorry, Uncle." Fìli and Kìli said at the same time. "Please let us out, Mister Boggins! Thank you for saving us." They whined, looking pitiful.

Bilbo untied them, and it looked like Dìs had never been prouder. Gandalf seemed to have finally had enough. "Bilbo, my boy, it's time to let them go. You've made a point, and while I agree that they've treated you unfairly, there's a good chance of finding the trolls' hoard if we set off soon." He said, standing and moving over to Bilbo. Everyone looked at him, and he gritted his teeth, nodding sharply. With one muttered word of magic, Gandalf had untied the remaining dwarrow, and Bilbo offered Dori a hand up. He happened to pass Dwalin next, who held out his hand too, but Bilbo pointedly ignored it.

He helped no one else, and instead turned to Prim.

She nodded before he could speak, and whistled lowly. With a rustling of bushes, Dagger appeared, tongue lolling happily. She leaned down, whispered something, and then the beast was off like a shot. 

Prim and Drogo wasted no time in following her, and the others raced after them. In no time, the Hobbits minus Lobelia were waiting patiently outside the filthy cave, as the others rifled around in the bones and squalor.

Gloin, Nori, Frerin and Bofur were making a 'long term deposit' whilst Lobelia snuck pieces of treasure into her pockets. Dwalin and the others were aimlessly sifting through things, and Thorin and Gandalf were looking at something right at the back.

Finally they exited joking and laughing loudly. They were so loud that not even Prim noticed Dagger start whining then growling lowly.

As Gandalf pulled Bilbo aside, Dagger slipped into the undergrowth. "Take this, it looks to be about your size. And it's a great blade. Forged by masters, the high elves of old." Gandalf intoned, shoving the sheathed blade at Bilbo. "Great strength comes not from having the courage to take a life, but to spare one too." He said.

Bilbo was stopped from answering by Vili's shout. "Something's coming!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for reading, commenting etc! I like you people, and I'm considering transferring some stories from my Wattpad onto here too. Love, WW xxP.S. I hope that some of you got the HP reference!


	6. Who doesn't like a game of tag?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Orcs are just slightly too good at tag, and the Company are almost not good enough. Thank the Valar for Wizards. 
> 
> So, we meet Radagast, who decides to save the poor Dwarves and Hobbits like damsels in distress, only he doesn't really seem to get the point of leading the enemies away. Then, we might just stumble into Rivendell, because who doesn't love Elves? Oh, right. Yeah. Company of Dwarves...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I hope that you people enjoy my insanity, and that you like it, just a bit. Thanks with all my love to my 'wife' and beta, Nerdy, who keeps me writing, and carries on for me if I get stuck. 
> 
> Anyway, feel free to tell me how much you hate my writing if needed, and if not, don't be afraid to say hi! I've already started a sequel to this, even though we're not even half way through, so that's always good. Love - WW xx

He was right. At this very second, as the Dwarves and Hobbits alike jumped into dramatic defensive positions, the 'something' burst through the trees like a (admittedly brown) firework going off. The blur resolved itself into a disheveled looking Man, on a sled. Being pulled by rabbits. Well. 

"Calm down, you fools!" Gandalf roared, even though there was no need, as the others were silent. "Radagast! Radagast the Brown!" Said Gandalf and the Hobbits together. 

The small being, apparently a Wizard, jumped as though shocked, and leapt off of his sled. "Hobbits! In these parts? What a surprise. What a pleasant surprise indeed." Radagast mumbled to himself. Gandalf whacked him on the shoulder. 

"What are you doing here, my good fellow?" Gandalf asked. 

"Gandalf! Oh, I had something to tell you. Blast! I had a thought, and now I've lost it." The smaller Wizard yelped. "It was on the tip of my tongue. Ah! Here it is!" He exclaimed, and poked said tongue out. Gandalf reached over, and removed a bug. "Oh! It wasn't a thought at all! Just a silly old stick insect." Radagast said happily, before taking the bug from Gandalf. 

In the background, Dori leaned over to Lobelia. "Is that..." 

"Yep. Bird crap." She said calmly. 

Dori looked scandalised. "But-" 

"Nope. No clue." She replied. 

"And-"

"It's a bird's nest."

"Oh."

"Yep. All I know is, he provides the Shire the most excellent mushrooms we've ever had, and the ones with certain... hallucinogenic qualities are perfect for pregnant lasses."

"Oh!"

Meanwhile, it seemed like Gandalf and Radagast's conversation was finished. Just as Rory was striking up a conversation with Radagast, however, a howl tore through the air. It was followed by a snarl, a yelp and the unmistakable sound of a dying growl. Prim went white. "No. I know that sound. Dagger!" She shouted, and a warg who was most certainly not Dagger leapt through the trees towards her. 

It was dead before it hit the ground, though, because Bifur's boar-spear pierced through it midair. Unfortunately, this left him completely open to the attack from a second warg, who pounced straight after. Esmerelda's dagger went straight through the creature's eye, scant inches from Bifur's face. He threw the animal off him, as a third and forth warg attacked. One went for Thorin, and the two tussled before Dwalin's axe stopped it. The second went for Radagast, but Bilbo killed the beast with a small knife. 

"Warg scouts." Someone mumbled. "That means that an Orc pack's not far behind!"

Gandalf advanced suddenly on Thorin. "Who did you tell about this Quest?"

Looking confused and mildly terrified, Thorin backed off. "No one!"

"Who did you tell!"

"No one, I swear it!" Thorin growled.

"Well someone knows. Someone who obviously wants you found. No Orc pack sends scouts, unless they're looking for someone in particular." Gandalf said gravely. "On your ponies, quickly."

"We can't!" Ori cried frantically. "They've bolted!"

"Run! I'll draw them off!" Radagast said.

Gandalf shook his head sadly. "Those will be Gundabad wargs, they'll catch you in an instant!" 

"These are Rhoscobel rabbits! I'd like to see them try!" And he was off, riding towards where the warg howls came from. 

It took a second to register, and then the entire Company of them were running madly after Gandalf. Drogo was practically dragging Prim, who was still looking for Dagger.

Just as the trees were about to vanish from their sight, Radagast burst back through them, followed by the warg riders. One lone warg spotted them, and ran after them, unnoticed by its companions. It ran after them without effort, and was about to pounce when something leapt from off a rock and into its side. The blur resolved itself into Dagger, bleeding from several wounds in her flanks and belly, and she quickly killed the threat.

The Company watched, fascinated, from their hiding spot as Dagger threw herself onto Prim, and whined softly. 

From there, the Company leapfrogged from cover to cover, trying desperately to avoid Radagast and his merry band of chasers. How he thought he was helping by leading the enemy towards them was anyone's guess, but he was trying, bless him. Kìli kept trying to poke his head over the top of their spots to see what was happening, only to be repeatedly hauled back down by Dìs.

Their reprieve had to end at some point, however, and it did.

Finally, Radagast lost his pursuers... Well. Good for him, I suppose. Not for the others.

Eventually, the howls, growls and snarls were heard from a much closer distance. Then silence, before one sounded directly above them all. Prim was hugging Dagger to her chest, to stop her from giving them all away. Thorin, with a pained expression, nodded near-invisibly to Kìli. With a deep breath, he shrugged his mother's arm off of him and left their cover. 

Faster than any Dwarf could track, he whipped out an arrow, and shot the warg above them. He killed it, but it fell towards him, with its snarling rider still attached, and now very aware of their presence. Thorin slit its throat, but was too late to stop its alarm cry. Several reply calls went up, and it was time for more cardio. 

However, even natural long distance runners like the dwarves couldn't outrun such a pack for long. They ended up near another massive rock formation, surrounded. "And where, pray tell, is the blasted Wizard?" Dori growled. 

"Run off and left us to die!" Dwalin snapped back, nervously flipping his axe from hand to hand.

"Over here, you fools! Run! In here!" Came an angry voice from behind them all. Gandalf. With barely a glance, Thorin and Dwalin readied their weapons with Vìli, Dìs and Frerin, and started shoving everyone else towards Gandalf.

Each person slid into the near-impossible to see tunnel, with Gandalf standing against the back wall, counting them all. Thorin, last in, had barely touched the floor when the sound of hunting horns sounded. Sounds of a scuffle filtered down through the tense silence, and without warning, an orc dropped down into the tunnel, several arrows protruding from its body. Thorin snapped one and looked at it. "Elves!" He spat.

"We're trapped, then." Balin sighed. At this moment, Drogo wondered up to the dwarves' tight circle of 'secret' conversations. 

"You do realise that elves aren't aggressive towards dwarves or hobbits?" He queried suddenly from behind Dwalin. They jumped, and turned to glare at him. Even Dìs. He raised his hands in surrender. "Okay! Yavanna help me. I just wanted to make a point! Either way, we just wanted to tell you that the cave goes further back, but if you idiots want to sit here in your little secret circle, then we'll just leave you to it." He seethed. The other hobbits were standing around him in various states of impatience. Wearily, Thorin climbed to his feet, and shoved past the hobbits to stand near Gandalf. "We will follow it. Anything is better than elves." He declared, completely missing the vicious eye-rolling that every hobbit was capable of from birth.

The other dwarves winced at that, and quickly arranged themselves around Thorin. The followed the path in a subdued manner, still with a strained silence hanging over them. They were as quiet as possible, and the path seemed to wind on for hours. 

After what was actually one and a half hours, rather than five, as Fìli and Kìli kept whispering, the end of the tunnel could be glimpsed. It was too bright for any of them to see through, and so they stood blinking for a few minutes when they exited the cave into the glowing light. 

They finally managed to stand the brightness, and as soon as they had, Thorin made his displeasure known. "This is no haven! Elves live here! You've brought us into danger, Wizard! Fix this." He spat. 

The Hobbits, now thoroughly confused, looked between themselves. "Rivendell." Bilbo whispered reverently. 

Then everything went black.


	7. Elves aren't all bad!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our little idiots enter the sanctum Rivendell, and just basically ruin Lindir's day. What more can you expect. And, the moment you've all been waiting for... The cat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoyed the slight cliffhanger! Sorry about how long it takes me to write these up, I've just started in sixth form (the British ones will understand) and the work is already piling up. 
> 
> Once more, feel free to comment etc, and please enjoy! Love - WW xx  
> 

When Bilbo came to, he found himself lying on a hard surface, with a burlap sack over his head. Not the best way to wake up, but most certainly not the worst he's had. He stealthily twitched each of his limbs to check for bindings, but found no resistance. He silently lifted a hand, and removed the sack, and scrambled up into a crouch. 

Instinctively, he reached for his weapons, and found them untouched, still on his person. Now sure he was reasonably safe, he chanced a scan of his surroundings.

He glared around him, trying not to wince at the harsh light. He looked around, and was surprised to see his Hobbits and the burliest forms of the dwarves lying scattered around him. Cautious, he gave a sound, no louder than a whisper, like a whistle, and within seconds, his Shirelings were up and getting their bearings. They carefully arranged themselves around him, and with a tiny nod from Lobelia, ensuring that there were no onlookers, he loudly cleared his throat. The dwarves groggily sprung to their feet, clumsy, and gathered in somewhat passable positions around Thorin. They then took the bags off their heads sheepishly, and looked at the Hobbits. 

"How-" Bofur yawned quietly. He started again. "How are you so... Alert?"

"It's the type of sedative used. Wormwood, I believe. Doesn't affect Hobbits much." Rory grinned. "Dwarves, however... Well." He snickered at their confusion. 

Thorin glared at them in a daze. "Wha hapnd?" He slurred. The Hobbits snickered.

Frerin launched himself at Thorin, and started petting him clumsily. After about three minutes of grumpily and clumsily wafting him off, they realised that they had an audience. 

"S'rry. Looked... like a puppy!" Frerin exclaimed, slurring only marginally better than Thorin. He clung to his brother like a limpet, grinning sleepily. 

Lobelia smirked sweetly, and patted Frerin gently on the head. "Yes, dear, he did, didn't he?" She cooed. 

Meanwhile, the slighter members of the Company were coming around much more quickly. Nori, Bofur, Fìli, Kìli and Dis were looking more alert by the second. Everyone looked more alert when a cacophonous hiss came from above. 

Drogo was quick to act, scrambling up into the rafters to investigate. After some more hissing, a whine, an 'oof' and a thud, he emerged from a door off to the back of the room carrying a squirming armful of grey-orange... Something, and being trailed by Dagger. 

"It's a cat!" He said cheerily. "Scratched me up quite bad, as well!" He dropped the giant cat onto the floor, where it looked around cautiously. It was, no lie, massive. It had to have been above any decent Hobbit's waist, and next to the shorter ones, it would probably look like a tiger. It came to around the waist on the majority of the Dwarves. After establishing that it was safe, the cat glared at all of them, before noticing Bilbo and Lobelia. 

It ran as fast as its stubby legs would allow, right at Bilbo and scrambled up him, purring madly. Lobelia approached quickly, holding her arms out for the thing. It went gladly, and the purring somehow went up a notch. She smiled at it, looking like it was the most beautiful creature she'd lain eyes upon. "We must call him something adorable!" She mused. "Otho, how about we call him Prince?" Before Otho could form a response, the cat's ears perked up, and it looked at Lobelia with as close to a smile as any cat could come.

"Wha?" Thorin demanded eloquently, going slightly cross-eyed. At the sound of his voice, the cat tensed, and hissed venomously.

Before anything else had time to happen, a door at the other side of the room opened, and in hurried Gandalf, and a harried looking Man. No, not a Man, an... "Elf!" The dwarves rumbled. 

"Yes. That is my species, thank you for noticing. Anyway, I see you're all somewhat awake. And that Gandalf was right. You're of no threat. My apologies. Rivendell is one of the most well-kept secrets in Middle Earth. We can't just let anyone wander through, obviously. I am Lindir. It is my pleasure to welcome you to the Last Homely House." He smiled, and the doors opened, as if in response to his words.

"Poncy bastard." Nori spat quietly. Lindir's eyes seemed to sharpen for a second, until Bell elbowed the offending Dwarf, mustering a quick reprimand. He smiled almost invisibly.

Lobelia, still hugging her new baby marched right up to the Elf. "Well? Do you know who you're hosting here? I expect a feast being prepared right away, and fresh baths, clothes and rooms for all of us! Am I clear?" She snapped imperiously.

The elf paled, looking extremely confused. "I... Sorry?" He asked hesitantly.

"You should be! You could have just poisoned the inner circle of The Shirelings! You treat us exactly like these Dwarves, with no thought to how your... Wormwood (she spat very angrily) would affect us!" She pulled Bilbo to her side. "This! This is Bilbo Baggins, leader of our band, and your primary hope of trade with us and you could have just ruined it! So yes, I do expect to be treated like royalty whilst here. Who does this cat belong to?"

The elf fainted. 

Minutes later, Elrond walked in on this scene, and promptly wished he could turn right back around. Upon seeing the Hobbits, and having Lobelia's tirade repeated back to him by Gandalf, he smiled and spread his arms. "Good afternoon! I am Lord Elrond, leader of the Rivendell collective." He said warmly. "I believe that some of you are Hobbits? Yes, what was I hearing about trade between us? I don't mean to be rude, but what can you offer to us?"

With that, Otho put his 'charming' face on, and started to talk trading opportunities with the Elf. Lindir came around quite quickly, and shook himself. "My deepest apologies. You will get your rooms, and a feast is being prepared as we speak. If you could follow me?" He sounded extremely nervous, and edged warily around Lobelia as he led them out of the room. "The cat is a stray. You can keep him. His mother had some great-cat blood, as did his father, which is why he is quite large." He said, placating her, and she hurried to walk next to him. 

"Do you know, I think you've just made yourself a friend for life. If there is anything, anything at all my family can do for you, we will attempt to help you." Lobelia said sunnily, having gotten exactly what she wanted.

They left the room, coming onto a ledge, overlooking the entire valley. The Hobbits practically melted at the sight, and the dwarves looked at them as though they'd gone mad. "Why didn't we trade with the Elves sooner?" Whispered Prim dreamily. "I'd have come here for Bilbo any day."

Dwalin growled at her. She growled back. 

Now smirking, Lindir glanced at the Hobbits. "Would you like to see the gardens?" 

The utterly innapropriate noises he got in response were nothing compared to the Dwarves' rage and horror.

So it came to pass that the Hobbits dragged the Dwarves all over Rivendell, their delight slowly but surely sending the Dwarves mad.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my mindless ramblings! If indeed, you did, please feel free to leave an opinion, kudos, or even stalk me! I never use Twitter, my Wattpad is simply Weirdwolfteaser and ditto to my Tumblr! Please feel free to leave criticism too! Xx -Wolfy


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